Valentine’s Day is one of those days that can provoke a range of emotions. Some people love it, some believe it is commercial exploitation and others are completely ambivalent to it.
Whatever your feelings may be about the day itself, the fact that it brings relationships into focus can be a good excuse to take stock of your own. Relationships need maintenance like any other facet of your life, and with the current divorce rate in Australia hovering around 35%, they can’t be taken for granted.
Thinking of it another way, we go to a mechanic to keep our car running, we exercise to stay healthy, we insure our house and contents, but what do we do to protect our most important asset?
Relationships experts agree that acknowledging and celebrating the good things about a partner is important – not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.
“While there is no magic formula to making relationships last, there are a few approaches that can help. All relationships need on-going support and time. There’s ‘me’, there’s ‘you’ and there’s ‘us’ and each of those parts needs attention,” says Lyn Fletcher, Director of Operations for Relationships Australia.
“Like most things in our lives, when things are going really well you don’t necessarily feel the need to put a lot of effort in to keep it that way, it’s only when things begin to slide that you feel the need to take action, and sometimes this can be too late.”
“That’s why days like Valentine’s Day can be a good reminder that relationships need to be nurtured and valued every day,” Ms Fletcher says.
Top tips for a successful relationship
Give in on the little things
There are only two big things in life: birth and death. Everything else is small stuff. Be willing to give in on the small stuff. Few things will do more to improve the relationship. Plus, when you give in on the little stuff, the big things tend to go your way.
If you are both invested in an issue, assign a rating (on a scale of 1 to 10) to see who should give in. If something is a 10 for your partner but only a 5 for you, give in. This also works well with family and children.
Find ways to say "I love you" without saying "I love you”
Practice random acts of kindness with your partner. Leave coded messages. Do nice things for no reason. In other words, do all the little things you did when courting your lover that have now fallen by the wayside.
Give to your partner in the ways he or she wishes to be given to.
Be a team player
You can't be in a relationship for yourself; both parties have to give 100% to get 100%.
One good tool for working on your relationship is to create a "wish list" of fun things you would like to do with your partner. Start with three or four things you would like to do in the next few weeks. These should be small, fun things that are easy to do, and each spouse should be willing to go along with the other's list. In effect, you and your partner are granting each other a wish.
Fight fair
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. If you fight fair, conflict can be resolved in a positive, constructive manner. Some rules for constructive arguing include the following:
- Don't ambush your partner; pick a time that is good for both of you to talk in private.
- Don't name-call or belittle your partner. Criticise the behaviour, not the person.
- Remember, using "old stuff" or "stockpiling" is not constructive to solving problems.
- Never threaten your relationship; emotional blackmail will only escalate discomfort.
Act romantic and you will feel romantic
When it comes to sex, don't wait for the "mood" to come over you. Set the scene, play the part and you will be surprised how easy the romantic feelings come.
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